So I haven’t posted on my blog for what was years up until recently.
Why you may ask ?
Because I felt the need to express again.
When I started this blog originally it was because I was going through a tough time in school.I was honest to myself in a group of girls that couldn’t be honest to themselves.
I understood what they were going through.But that doesn’t mean that I always found it easy to forgive their actions or sly comments or nasty rumours that hit harder than I could take them sometimes.
As much as I despised them at that point in my life, I always sympathised with them. After every disappointment that a friend would bring , I would always stop myself and analyse what I had done. That’s when I realised that I wasn’t really at fault.
We were a bunch of insecure girls , some more than others and it manifested in many ways. For some , the way to hide their insecurities and deal with them , was attack others before they could attack you.
This approach was taken in many ways , some expressed it physically and others verbally. The verbal ones were split into two , some would tear girls apart then and there. Whilst others did it more subtly with backhanded whispers and dirty smug looks. Those were the worst. We think we know who are enemies are but we don’t because some hide behind a smile and a mask of friendship.
You know what I mean, that friend who you trusted and talked to and at some point you considered them your best friend. Then randomly something goes wrong. They stop talking to you and it hurts especially when you don’t know what you did. So you sit like awkward strangers at dinner tables. Sometimes you get the courage and ask them what happened and if you did something wrong. But all you receive is an indifferent smile and “what are you on about ? We are absolutely fine”.
You know that they are lying but what can you do ? You can’t force them. But truth reveals itself one way or another because then you see them with new friends. That’s when you realise that there wasn’t anything really wrong with you , it’s just that you were temporary. Just someone to sit next to till they found someone better , someone more popular. Then whenever they get tired or mistreated or feel left out or fall out with those new friends, they come back and pretend everything was fine.
High school was hard and probably harder for me when so many people wanted to see me in one way. Their way. Actually let me clarify , the way that one particular person who disliked me for something pathetic such as asking questions because it’s not cool to be actually interested in what you are learning and want to know more. So they decide I’m annoying , which means that now everybody thinks I’m annoying right ? I have heard people I have never met or people I have never really spoken to hate me on the strangest of things. It was hard for me , it would have been hard for anyone so it was understandable when I had bursts of anger , retorting to the people who bullied me . Wow that’s a big achievement for me , I don’t think I ever wanted to admit that, I didn’t want to label it as bullying . I guess I didn’t want that sympathy , or to admit that it hurt because in my mind bullying happened to scrawny 13 y/o’s who play video games and get beat up after school. Super weird right I think it came from all those anti bullying videos that had been fed to me since primary and they always had this stereotype of the person that got bullied and I never fit into it. But bullying includes spreading rumours , attacking someone physically or verbally and excluding someone from a group on purpose. Safe to say that I experienced that. High school wasn’t completely bad though, I shared some happy times with people before they changed. Soon high school came to an end and it was the last day of school and with a hall and then a yard filled with emotional girls , I seemed like one of the few who were genuinely happy to leave. I remember my English teacher coming over to me as I watched the girls around me cry and she asked me,
“Aw Shaza are you sad to leave too ?”
“No, miss , I have been waiting for this day.”
“Now I bet you are going to wait till you get home and cry aren’t you ?”
“Trust me, I won’t.”
Needless to say , I didn’t cry, I didn’t have anything to miss. The only thing I missed about high school was the homework which compared to the amount I received in college was laughable. I would gladly do a page of bullet points on how Hitler started World War II than write a 5000 word essay on the French Revolution.
I had applied to three colleges , when in reality I only wanted to get accepted into one. However, the one I wanted was renowned for being picky on who it accepted and refused many people. It demanded a solid personal statement but I was desperate and so a miracle happened and I managed to get accepted. This was a relief as I specifically chose this college as I knew that practically no one I knew was going to attend it.It would be the closest thing I would have to a new start and plus it was the closest. Still a few people that I disliked attended it but we had separate timetables and classes and we acted indifferent to each other when we passed each other.I wasn’t the only one who hoped for a new better start at college. I’m sure many girls wanted a better start college too , especially the girls who didn’t have the courage in high school to leave the toxic people that they hung out with or stand up and say their real opinion to them because then they would have no one to sit with. Fake friends were better than no friends right ?
Anyway, college was amazing for me. I met some wonderful people and got along with many people. I was considered fairly popular in my classes , where everyone felt comfortable to talk to me and laugh and joke about with me. It was easy to make new friends and surprisingly no one was fake. They were all genuinely nice and wanted nothing from me other than to do lovely things together.We became one huge group of friends who took up more than one table and laid it with snacks and we sat and made jokes and watched funny videos. It was a big friendship group purely because they were all so lovely and it stayed big because they weren’t fake , no one said mean things behind each other or discreetly hated each other. On the rare occasions that a problem occurred it was solved almost instantly and in the most mature way. I had so many pleasant memories ranging from lovely walks in the park to trying out ice cream parlours to watching the latest movies together. It was so new to have friends who actually cared for you , who you would stay up and talk to , who called you when you were upset and went out with you to lift your mood. It was lovely. It made me realise that I wasn’t the problem.
Sometimes , I think they thought it was acceptable to carry on taking the mick because it was me. It was Shaza who usually would laugh or would ignore your comments or more commonly would sarcastically reply. She could take it right ? I always thought about those people and what they could be going through that made them act this way , but I realised that no one ever did they for me. When the one person would say something nasty , they think nothing of it. What they don’t realise is that I have just had a day full of them.
Well to end this on a lighter tone , I had an amazing year blessed with amazing people and I grew so much. Now , I don’t t look back with hate or anger, I look back in pity.
You might wonder what this has to do with my sudden posts about my new story. Well, like I said I grew. I realised its important to do things that you love and I love writing stories and thinking of poems.
I decided to keep most of the things I had written on my blog ( except a few that were super duper cringey). I guess it’s because I want my blog to show my growth. You know , from where I started and to where I will go.